Author: Mari
Send Feedback To: Cyni1@aol.com I'm a feedback whore :::shrug:::
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Into The Woods
Disclaimer: Joss, not I. I'm a teenage lunatic, what are you going to get from suing?
Author's Notes: Basically this is just some angst that has been bouncing around my head since I heard Matchbox Twenty's Bed Of Lies. Many thanks to all the people on the Buffy board who gave me feedback and suggestions. Buffy's POV.

When he first left, the shock was so much that it was all I could do to breathe. I went home and walked straight up to my room without saying a word to anybody. I barely made it there before I collapsed into sobs, and I stayed that way for most of the night. I cried almost as hard as I did when I lost Angel. Almost, but not quite.

*No, I would not sleep in this bed of lies
So toss me out and turn in
And there'll be no rest for these tired eyes
I'm marking it down for learning
I am*

Angel was my first love, and while I like to tell myself that I've moved on, he touched a part of me that Riley never could. Sweet, endearing, trustworthy Riley. Looking back now I see that I chose him because he was the complete and total opposite of Angel. Riley was safe. He couldn't hurt me because he couldn't make me feel.

*Don't think I can take another moment
Don't think I can fake another hollow smile
It's not enough just to be sorry
Don't think I could take another talk about it

Just like me you got needs
And they're only a whisper away
And we softly surrender
To these lives that we've tendered away*

I think that Riley knew from the beginning that he could never truly have me, too, though it didn't come to a head until over a year later. Ever so often I would come back from a daydream to catch Riley watching me with a slightly sad expression on his face. A flush rising on my cheeks, I would realize that I had been toying idly with the ring finger of my left hand, the only one that ever went without adornment. I always covered my emotions with a smile and the excuse that I had been woolgathering. Riley smiled, nodded, and appeared to accept the excuse. Now I have to wonder if he ever really did.

*No I would not sleep in this bed of lies
So toss me out and turn in
And they'll be no rest for these tired eyes
I'm marking it down to learning
I am
Don't wanna be the one who turns the whole thing over
Don't wanna be somewhere I just don't belong
Where it's not enough just to be sorry

Don't you know I feel the darkness closing in
Tried to be more than me
And I gave 'til it all went away
And we've only surrendered
To the worst part of these winters we've made.*

If I had caught up with Riley before the helicopter had taken off, what then? Would I have let more lies spill past my lips so that each one could act as kindling for the next time our relationship erupted? Or would I have the guts to simply stand back, say good-bye, and let us both walk away.

*I am all that I'll ever be
When you lay your hands over me
But don't go weak on me now
I know that it's weak
But God help me I need this
I will not sleep on this bed of lies.*